I am an ICU trained nurse who wont be helping out during the pandemic – and it hasn't been an easy decision to make

A lot of people have told me that I should consider starting a blog. Writing is something that runs in our family. My grandmother was a writer.  For twenty years I have considered following in her footsteps but never had the gumption to do it. Quite frankly, I don’t think anything I have to say is worth anyone’s time to read, so I’ve never shared before.

I have always enjoyed reading blogs too. The past few days I have been grappling with some thoughts – and I wrote them down as a way of trying to work through and process them better.  I thought, actually, this is something that someone else out there might relate too – and so today I am taking the plunge to do a blog.

So I am an ICU trained nurse. I started my nursing degree at Cardiff University in 2007. I took 5 years to qualify. Long story short, I met the man of my dreams at the start of the course and we got married and had two kids while I was completing one of the most grueling under graduate degree courses you can do.

Our first child was born November 2009. You might recall, that at the time it was the Swine Flu pandemic. I had pre-eclampsia that resulted in me suffering respiratory failure post delivery. At the time it wasn’t clear if I had swine flu too. I was in ICU on an oscillator. I survived. Made a 100% recovery. Well I say 100% because the whole thing hasn’t stopped me ever doing anything I ever wanted. Until now.

I received the most excellent care on ICU. After I qualified as a nurse I applied for a job on the ICU unit on which I was a patient. I recall the seniors at the interview asking me why I was applying to work in ICU. With no hesitation I replied that it was because I wanted to be part of the great team that gave such excellent care like I got when I was a patient there. I was hired.

I think the press has thrown a spot light on ICU nursing the past few weeks and people can see that nursing is incredibly diverse, and ICU nurses are highly skilled and in short supply. Not surprising as it’s an incredibly physically and emotionally draining place to work. ICU invested in providing me with in house training that skilled me up to not just do the nursing tasks they require there, but to understand the science behind it. The practice educators, and mentors are who I need to thank to be able to call myself an ICU nurse.

I worked on ICU for 5 years before I left. Although I never properly left I also don’t properly work there anymore either. When I resigned I did so because I was struggling to juggle nurse life with having a young family life, and a recent family bereavement.  I loved working in ICU. I stayed on the nurse bank. And continued to work flexibly in ICU as and when family commitments allowed. Usually a couple of night shifts a week. I also did shifts in other parts of the hospital, and as time went on I ended up working more in other areas  (like PICU and the research facility ) and only dipping in to ICU rarely. The honest reason being, I think I just reached a point in my life where the drama, emotional toll of ICU was something I no longer got a buzz out of being part of.

6 months ago I took a full time job in the private sector, working for a dermatology research company.  They offered flexible working and the children are older now and I can manager the hours better these days. It’s the polar opposite to ICU. It’s not very clinical, and has none of the emotional demands that ICU nursing requires. I never ever want to not be able to do the skilled ICU work,  and my new boss has been completely supportive of this. About once a month I do a shift up the local hospital for two reasons 1) so I keep my clinical skills up and 2) so I can keep my registration on the nurse bank. So that if anything huge happens in Cardiff I can turn up and jump in and help without questions about my eligibility to work.

Now look. Something big is happening and I want to jump in and help. Well I did. I do. But I don’t. If there is a special term for what I can only describe as like a “survivors guilt” about being ICU trained, available and willing but not actually going in and helping – that’s what I have right now. And it’s agonising.

If there had been an earthquake, an explosion, or any other type of natural disaster or attack on humanity that resulted in a need for me to dash in I am so there. But a pandemic?

Its cool I thought. I cannot sit here at home knowing my skills are in short supply. I will be up there, get some PPE donning and doffing training and help the team. After all, I said I wanted to be part of the team to helped save me in the Swine Flu pandemic – and I meant it. I can’t just sit here and watch and know what apocalyptic scenes are inevitably coming. Nursing isn’t a job for me. It is truly also a vocation. I want to be there on the front line. I want to do my bit. I want to help the team. I want to save the patients. I want to make a difference. I want to use the skills I was given.

Thing is, since that ICU job interview back in 2012, a lot has changed. I’ve seen things. I’ve seen people die. Lots of them. Old. Young. Heart attack. Brain haemorrhage.  Accidents. Good people. Bad people.  It’s changed me.  I have been left with a much more acute sense of my own mortality.

Coupled to this, is the fact that I fall into the high-risk category for CoVid19. For a start the respiratory failure that had me admitted to ICU 10 years ago during the Swine Flu pandemic has left me with asthma and some lung scarring. I use inhalers.  Then there is the fact that I carry a few extra pounds and my last HbA1c was out of range…..

I am scared that going in to ICU and doing the job I really want to do, will mean I might die. My mother, husband and children have begged and pleaded with me not to go in and help.  I had been booked to do a bank shift on ICU this coming Wednesday night.  With a heavy heart I have messaged the ICU seniors to say I won’t be able to help. The message was typed with tears in my eyes. And many tears about this CoVid19 outbreak have been cried by these eyes this week and I know many more tears will flow when the team of front line workers struggle and face this virus head on with out me. Especially when I always saw myself as being there with them.

Doctors and nurses are getting CoVid19. It is extremely contagious. I read last night about a nurse and a doctor who died in Italy helping. And I read that a UK nurse has died today. About five people on my Facebook friends list have CoVid19 symptoms / tested positive it right now. 

Up until 5pm this evening, I was going to go in despite my and my family’s reservations. But the two things that have influenced the decision to retract my offer to help:

Nurses working at hospitals at the moment posting about how they don’t hug or touch their kids or husband because they might have CoVid19 and don’t want to risk passing it on to these loved ones. I can’t do this. My 10-year-old son has one grandmother left who has COPD and self-isolating. When he was 5 he watched his other grandmother suffer with cancer and pass on.  Years of work to deal with this adverse childhood experience have followed. Today we stood at the bottom of my mothers garden so we would wish her happy mothers day from afar. He burst into tears and said “I just wish I could hug her”. My heart broke into a million pieces. Right now he needs hugs. And I am the only one around to be able to give them. He needs a mom who is present (He has an anxious disposition.) Getting him through this pandemic safely and mentally healthily as possible is my number one priority.

Nurses working at the hospital at the moment also say they are living separate from loved ones. I can’t do this. I am the main carer in our household for my 8 and 10 year old and disabled husband. I am also the main carer for my mom and her husband who both are not in great health and socially isolating. I need to be able to go there to drop off and pick things up not thinking I could be putting them or my family here at our house in a position of being more at risk of CoVid19. They are all isolating. If they got it, I would question if I passed it on and if the worst happened I would never forgive myself.

Yes I want to help my front line ICU nurse colleagues. But more than that, I don’t want to be an added patient in ICU again during this pandemic like I was the last one. They could do without this or a visit form my high-risk husband or mum thanks to me spreading.

I really do wish I was going to be part of the amazing team that saved my life 10 years ago.  I am sorry I wont be there. I am praying for my fellow nurses, the rest of the multi-disciplinary team working together to save as many lives as they can during this pandemic. God give you strength and wisdom and keep you safe. I know my feelings on this are not unique, and that everyone has concerns about themselves, and their loved ones during this outbreak. Many face the same dilemmas as me but have chosen to stand on the front line anyway.  If this is you, you have my utmost respect and gratitude.

I will be back. I will always be an ICU nurse. Just not right now.